Disenfranchised Grief

It’s common in our society for people to rate certain things as “more important” than others. We see this applied to economic factors, food groups, financial expenses and even reasons to select a home or car.

The number of issues for which rating hierarchies are established is endless. But there are some things, such as the grief related to any emotional loss, which should never be treated in this way. 

Disenfranchised Grief also known as hidden grief, refers to any grief that goes unacknowledged or invalidated by social norms. This kind of grief is often minimized or not understood by others, which makes it particularly hard to process and to work through. When this happens, the visible evidence of grief tends to disappear from public sight.  

There are 3 primary concepts that serve to disenfranchise someone’s grief;

1) the relationship between the griever and the deceased is not recognized,

2) the death or loss is not recognized, and

3) the griever’s ability to grief is not recognized.  

So, what is grief? What is a good definition for grief?

In “The Grief Recovery Handbook,” grief is defined as “the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behaviour.”  

Basically, this is saying that any change that occurs in our familiar behaviour patterns can generate the emotional pain that is called grief. It’s an emotional reaction to loss of any kind. 

Taking Action to Move Beyond the Pain of Loss 

Many grievers suffer in silence. This is because friends and family, who actually recognize that they are in pain, have no idea of how to really help.

It’s not unusual for them to offer intellectual suggestions on why they should not be suffering, rather than anything this actually addresses the emotional issues of loss.  

Dealing with emotions is often a challenge since they are not something that can be easily defined. Each person is different and each grieving situation is unique, meaning that there is no singular way that everyone reacts to any loss. 

Finally, when we withhold affirmation of people’s grief, the memory of the relationship, the importance of the loss, or the needs of the griever do not simply go away. Rather, it causes bereaved individuals to cut off sources of support, forcing them to suppress their grief, and causing their problems to magnify. Therefore, people need to accept the fact that others may grief and have intense emotional reactions to things that we may see as silly or unimportant.

In accepting the fact that others may have these grief reactions, we can better prepare ourselves for the role of the supporter.